He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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