you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
