Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
