I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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