I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
