i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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