There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
