This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
