I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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