what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I could make wine with my vomit
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
