i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
PANTIES FOUND
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