I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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