It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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