So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
