They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
