Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
