Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
