Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
