you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
