I accidentally had phone sex last night
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
