The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
