Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
