:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
