I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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