my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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