I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
