Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
