I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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