can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
