please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
