I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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