I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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