Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
