i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
