He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
