Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
