In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
