Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
