Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
smell my finger.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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