the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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