I think I died a long time ago.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
