you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
how drunk are you?
Several
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
