The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
