he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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