u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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