i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
