The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
