i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
