I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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