I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
