ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'm always down for nudity.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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