She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
