I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
