Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
