Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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